Uncertainty
by Adrienne2
Summary: Abby relfects on her relationship with Luka
1. Default Chapter

"Uncertainty"

"Uncertainty"

By Adrienne

Author's Note: Told from Abby's point of view.

Spoilers: Through "Survival of the Fittest"

We've been together for nearly six months now. I wake up every morning next to him, and fall asleep with him every night, but still he's something of an enigma. Lately he's come around though, smiled more, joked, and scared me half to death when he put toy snakes in my locker. He's caring, compassionate and thoughtful. But there's a part of him that I can never reach, a dark place filled with horrible memories and a woman and two kids he loved with his heart and soul. I know I can never replace them; I don't want to replace them, I just want to make him happy. Because I think I'm falling in love with him.

_How do I tell him this? What if I scare him away? What would I do without him?_ These are the thoughts that fill my head constantly. I want him to know how I feel, but what if he doesn't feel the same way? My heart swells and I grin like a teenager with a crush everytime I see him. Sometimes when we're alone I think there's something he wants to say, something he wants to tell me, but he always hesitates, and then says nothing. 

After Richard and I broke up, I thought I could never trust anyone again, much less fall in love. But now I wonder if I ever knew what love was, because my feelings for Luka are stronger and unlike anything I've ever felt. It's a constant, delicious ache of need and adoration.

On our first date he killed a mugger who attacked us. Not exactly a great start to any relationship. I was scared of him, but at the same time knew that he had no one, so I needed to be there for him. And then my mother showed up. The last time she did this I swore I would never go through it again, but I did. Whether it's out of a blood tie or guilt or obligation, I always take care of her. I needed someone so much, but Luka wasn't there. I cried every night in the bathroom, and ran the water so he wouldn't hear me. I had to be strong for him. So, I turned to Carter, which in retrospect was probably a mistake. I was his sponsor, not the other way around. 

Perhaps I have that abused wife complex, staying with men like Richard, and then Luka. Luka was never abusive, but it was a bad relationship, and I knew it, everyone knew it. I've always been in the role of caretaker for Eric, Maggie, Richard, and then Luka. Maybe I stayed with him because I had nothing, because taking care of him made me feel secure, if that makes any sense. That's probably why I became a nurse. I could never help myself, but I could help other people.

I know Luka thinks about his wife and kids all the time. How could he not? I often wonder what Danijela was like, and wonder if I'm anything like her. In a way I'm jealous of her, which is stupid because she's gone and I'm here, but to Luka she will always be that perfect angel that he loved for so many years. He never speaks of her unless I ask, and then it's always short answers. But it's a comfort to know that he is capable of a love like that, and maybe one day he'll feel that way for me.

When it comes to Marko and Jasna, it's a different thing altogether. He loves to speak of them, and I love to listen to that. His face lights up when he talks about their first steps, first words, birthday parties, likes and dislikes. At the hospital he looks longingly at young children that remind him of his own. I imagine he wants kids again, and sometimes I fantasize about what it would be like in a couple years if we were married and had a baby. I know Luka would be a great father, but would I be a good mother? What if I passed on bipolar disorder from my mother to my baby? I would never want to hurt my child, or put her through a childhood like mine. 

I know it's the bishop that caused the change in Luka's mood. I never ask, but I know he found a piece of mind, and I hope one day he'll be able to tell me what happened to his family. In all the years I've been a nurse and all the horrible things I've seen, I've never come across anyone so haunted by their memories as he is.

I hope I can find the courage to tell him how I feel. I hope he feels the same way. I hope that this time I can find a happy ending. I hope.


	2. Once and Again

"Once and Again"

"Once and Again"

By Adrienne

Author's Note: Told from Abby's POV, a sequel to "Uncertainty."

Spoilers: Through "Sailing Away"

Not again. I can't deal with this again. How many times have I done this and how many times has she gone off her meds? But she's my mother, I remind myself, and nothing can change that. It's an irreversible fact, there's a tie binding us that can't be broken. Or maybe it's just that I can't let go and admit defeat.

Right now I'm on a plane to Oklahoma and Carter is sitting next to me, fast asleep. Now I regret not listening to Luka. He was probably right and I'm feeling guilty about how we said goodbye. I know he was hurt about what I said, I could see it in his eyes. Luka is never very expressive about his emotions, but you can always tell what he's feeling by looking in his eyes.

Luka and Carter don't get along, that's obvious to everyone by now. They disagree about patients, Luka complains when Carter calls me at home and Carter is always hinting that he doesn't think Luka and I belong together. But I'm a big girl; I can take care of things myself. What bothers me more is the gossip among everyone else in the ER. I know they don't think I notice, but I hear them when they wonder if Luka and I actually have a relationship, or if it's just sex, and when they comment on the "great chemistry" Carter and I have. I know Luka and I had a rough start, but out relationship has changed so much over the last few months. We still have problems to work out, secrets to reveal, and lessons in trust, but I think it might just work out.

I'm so grateful to Carter for coming with me. He's been a great friend and has always been there for me, especially the last time Maggie showed up. When he got back from rehab last fall, I was afraid he'd still be angry with me, since I was the one who reported his drug use. But he understood it was for the best, and when he saw me at that AA meeting, I was almost relieved because I finally had someone to confide in about my addiction outside of the group. 

Sometimes I get the feeling Carter wants more than friendship, but that's a road I don't want to travel. He's a friend, nothing more. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

As we pull up to the motel I wonder for the millionth time what I'm doing here. This time won't be any different than all the others. It will begin with me picking up the pieces and her leaving again. It's a never-ending cycle.

My first sight of Maggie is shocking. Her hair is greasy and the clothes she's wearing are dirty. She has this empty expression on her face, as if she's just a body lying there on the bed. There are beer cans and pizza boxes strewn around the room. Why does she let herself get like this? Why does she always come back to this same place of despair and depression? It's something I just can't understand. Or maybe I don't want to.

We go into the bathroom and I pour water for a bath. Once again I'm the caretaker, the mother, not the daughter. I want to cry and scream and hit something. Questions are streaming through my mind. "Why couldn't my mother be normal!?" "Why can't I have a peaceful life!?" But I say nothing, as usual. Abby, the dutiful daughter.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I can't believe this is happening. What could she possibly have taken? Carter and I are rushing to the ER, and it's taking an eternity. Finally we reach the hospital and I see Luka running up to the car and for a moment I feel safe, like everything will be okay. But that moment is over as they lift Maggie onto a gurney and rush her into Trauma 1. They intubate her and suddenly she starts seizing. Is this how it's going to end? Am I going to sit here and watch my mother die? I want to run out of this room, into Luka's arms, but my feet are firmly attached to the ground. I feel the tears welling up and I try to hold them back. I can't cry here, not in front of everyone. Please, oh please, let this all just be a nightmare that I'll wake up from.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Now I'm outside Maggie's ICU room. I'm exhausted, but even if I tried I probably couldn't sleep. Luka sits down beside me. I tell him I should've listened to him, but he simply accepts that and doesn't react. He tells me she'll be all right, but I know she never will. Luka puts his arms around me, and I collapse against him. He kisses my forehead and strokes my hair. I don't need to say anything, because he already knows what I want to tell him: Thank you for being here for me.


End file.
